Unitard Rex -- No Superhero

Stats for Rex Grossman in a unitard (Dec. 31, 2006):
2 of 12 passing, 33 yards, 1 sack, 5 yards lost to sack, 0 touchdowns, 3 interceptions

Go Pack, Go!

Bears Feeling the Wrath of Violating Spaulding Law

At the half: Packers 23, Bears 0.

This is what teams wearing unitards deserve.

Chicago Bears Found In Violation of Spaulding Law

ALERT: The Chicago Bears -- in a nationally televised game on NBC -- are blatantly violating the Spaulding Law regarding unitards. The Spaulding editorial staff asks that the NFL correct this violation by halftime.

Spaulding Law: DVD Packaging

We can put a man on the moon, mass produce automobiles, and build a global information network. Why then can the movie industry not come up with a better packaging system for DVDs?

It seems like no matter what you do, you cannot get the package opened any faster than the actual run time of the film inside. (And don't get me started on CD packaging -- of course at the Spaulding production studio we buy almost all of our music from iTunes, so mercifully packaging is not a factor).

Spaulding Law: All movie companies and their packaging/printing affiliates shall immediately discontinue use of those annoying "security" stickers that are affixed (and in all too many cases welded) to the edge of the DVD case. The stickers cannot be removed easily, and are a waste of material because no one is going to buy a DVD that isn't already sealed in an impenetrable layer shrink wrap plastic (except for those who buy bootleg DVDs, and they're already living outside the system).

Therefore, Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! calls for the termination of the current system for packaging DVDs and looks forward to the roll out of a new, easier-to-open system (think the pull string-dealie on a pack of 25 cent gum) no later than January 1, 2008.

Dumb Headline

And the award for the stupidest headline goes to...

MLB.com's December 26, 2006 article entitled, "No repeat for White Sox in 2006."

Wow, that's breaking news -- did that just come in via the wagon train that's up from St. Louis after it unloaded 12 jars of pickles down at Old Man Potter's General Store?

Tales from the North Side

How a Cub fan is spending his winter...

Northwest Herald:

Later, in line at Wrigleyville Sports at Addison and Sheffield on the North Side, talk centered on the Cubs outfield situation. This was said by a man checking out a Juan Pierre jersey that was on sale:

Customer: Juan Pierre’s not on the Cubs anymore?

Clerk: (Hopefully mentally rolling his eyes). No, he signed with the Dodgers a few weeks ago.

Customer: Who’s No. 9 now? Maybe they don’t have a No. 9. OK, I have to think about this.

A minute or two passes.

Customer: OK, I’ll take it. But the one without the name on the back.

Just goes to show that dopey thinking knows no latitude.

Rosie vs. Trump - Round 4?

A loyal reader tipped the Spaulding editorial staff off on what appears to be a Rosie-penned blog entry in the form of a poem that addresses the whole Trump feud.

Chicago White Sox Hot Stove Tracker - Update #8

SITE NOTE: To make sure you are always viewing the latest White Sox hot stove news, check this blog's homepage, or simply click here to view all Chicago White Sox Hot Stove Tracker reports.


The Hot Stove Tracker is back after a long winter's nap. If you've been sad in the Hot Stove Tracker's absence, you haven't missed much (well, you've missed a lot transactions-wise, but this tracker would have predicted none of it).

Kenny Williams continues to display that he is the only man (or woman) on the face of the planet who has any idea where this Chicago White Sox team is headed. In light of that, we begin the Tracker almost completely anew today -- discarding the old data in the hopes that it will A) shorten the amount of text actually on the tracker (which it will) and B) eliminate bad or outdated rumors.

All that said, there is a lot to take in. Let's begin with a look at rumors and deals that have and have not happened:

What has happened in reality

• Louis Terrero: Chicago Tribune, 11/3/06: "...Once thought to be a five-tool player after signing out of the Dominican Republic, Terrero never has shown that ability and has been a problem instead. He was suspended for 29 games in 2004 at Triple-A Tucson for throwing a ball into the stands and striking a spectator following an on-field brawl. He also was suspended in the minors for kissing home plate after hitting a home run."
• Dewon Day -- added to 40-man roster 11/20/06
• Oneli Perez -- added to 40-man roster 11/20/06
• Heath Phillips -- added to 40-man roster 11/20/06
• Andy Gonzalez -- added to 40-man roster 11/20/06
• David Aardsma -- acquired via Cotts trade
• Carlos Vasquez -- acquired via Cotts trade, added to 40-man roster 11/20/06
• Freddy Garcia was sent to Philadelphia for RHP Gavin Floyd and LHP Gio Gonzalez.
• Sox signed reliever Mike McDougal to a three year contact to keep him in the bullpen
• Say hello, waive goodbye, Ross Gload -- the utility player was signed, and shortly thereafter sent to the Kansas City Royals for pitcher Andrew Sisco
• Free agent catcher Toby Hall signs with the Sox
  

Rumor that panned out

• Rumors said the Sox were interested in Rangers' prospect Nick Massett -- well, they were, as Massett was acquired in the McCarthy trade.

Didn't happen

• Freddy Garcia and Joe Crede to Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for Chone Figgins and Ervin Santana
• Gary Matthews Jr. -- signed by LA-Anaheim, 11/22/06
• Juan Pierre -- signed by LA, 11/22/06
• Jon Garland was nearly sent to Houston for pitcher Taylor Buchholtz and center fielder Willy Taveras
  

Hasn't happened yet

• Free-agent shortstop Alex Gonzalez
• Carl Crawford from Tampa Bay for top minor league prospects
• Andrew Jones (OF, Atlanta)
• Aaron Rowand (OF, Philadelphia): Chicago Sun-Times, 11/17/06 -- "Williams is looking for some offensive punch in his outfield. Sources say the Sox have inquired about the possibility of getting Aaron Rowand back from the Philadelphia Phillies. Rowand, who was dealt to Philly last offseason for slugger Jim Thome, might be available if the Phils land free agent Alfonso Soriano."
• Omar Vizquel (SS, San Francisco) -- report on WSCR Radio, 11/10/06 cites Vizquel as a trade target
• Barry Zito (LHP, Oakland): Chicago Sun-Times, 11/3/06: "If the Sox trade two starters, that could free up enough money to join the Zito sweepstakes."

-------------------------

Click here to view this blog's latest updates to the hot stove tracker, as well as all Chicago White Sox Hot Stove Tracker postings.

Something missing from the list? Leave a comment for the Hot Stove Tracker.

Site Update: New Blog

The editorial staff is proud to announce the addition of a very exciting new blog to our links sidebar, Swede in America. The site shows great promise and should be a joy to watch develop in the new year.

Site Update: Polls

In an ongoing quest to deliver the best blog to our reader(s), the editorial staff of Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! is proud to announce the addition of polls to the right-hand side of our page. Now Spaulding reader(s) can voice their opinion in a poll that does not matter (much like "voting" in a dictatorship). Enjoy!

Rosie vs. Trump - Round 3

Well fight fans, if you wanted to see good third round action in the Rosie vs. Trump battle of the year, you're going to be disappointed. Rosie came out looking like a fighter in round three, but then eased up on the Donald:



Hmmm...does Trump have Rosie on the ropes? Looks like we may have to wait until after the new year to see if there is to be a round four.

Why I Love YouTube

Here is a clip that "re-dubbs" the audio from The Office with music from the end of Star Wars: A New Hope. Why? I have no idea. But I can tell you this, the person who posted it says it "synchs really well," and he/she is absolutely right -- and it's awesome.

It Is Sooooo On!

Forget the fight scenes in Rocky Balboa, the real fighting is on the small screen.

In the biggest, HUGEest celebrity fight since Ripa vs. Aiken, daytime TV and crap-tacular celebrity journalism present:

Rosie vs. Trump

Ding-Ding!!!

Round 1 - Rosie comes out swingin'



Round 2 - Trump goes boardroom on her a$$ -- and look out Rosie, Trump says he is going after your girlfriend too...



One can't help but think that this will not be settled easily.

The way I see it, they should just get into the ring at the Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort (the finest, most luxuarious hotel and casino in Atlantic City -- or probably more accurately -- the woooorld) and be done with it.

500 Visitors

Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! has hit the 500 visitor mark. The editorial staff would like to thank all four or five of our regular readers and all the others who accidentally stumbled onto this corner of cyberspace.

TV Weather

Why are the weather guys on the local news always really excited by the day's high temperature?

'High of FOURTY-three, today!'

Uh, yeah...so? There is a high temperature everyday -- no matter how cold it is.

It is as if they are amazed by their own ability to realize that the earth gets warmer as the day goes on, and then cools once the sun goes down.

'But tonight we'll be ALL the way down to thirty-NINE...'

Guess what, Sherlock? High in my apartment of 71 today, with a low ALL THE WAY DOWN to 68. Should I graph that for you?

Spaulding Plays Jerry Maguire

OK, let's think about this for a minute. Terrell Owens is recognized as a phenomenal athlete -- perhaps the best at his position. Soooo, if you're his agent, shouldn't you be all over his a** telling him that every time he does stupid stuff like this he is foregoing MASSIVE amounts of money that he could have made in contracts, endorsements, public appearances, etc. if he could just quit doing stupid stuff and play football? You would think so, and perhaps his agent has tried. But if he has, it isn't working...

AP:

ATLANTA - DeAngelo Hall has always considered Terrell Owens to be friend. They would talk on the phone and playfully taunt each other.

Not anymore. Not after Owens spit in Hall’s face.

“He had a couple of nice catches,” said Hall, the Atlanta Falcons’ Pro Bowl cornerback. “You expect that. He’s a great player. Right before the first punt, though, we kind of got in each other’s face, talking back and forth, and I lost all respect for him when he spit in my face.”

Owens, Dallas’ star receiver, acknowledged losing his temper with Hall in the Cowboys’ 38-28 victory Saturday night.

“I got frustrated and I apologize for that,” Owens told the NFL Network. “It was a situation where he kept bugging me and getting in my face.”

Owens beat Hall for a 7-yard touchdown late in the first quarter and a 51-yard score midway through the second Following the third play from scrimmage, however, Hall used his forearms to shove Owens on the Atlanta sideline. Neither player was involved in Jason Whitten’s 19-yard catch to the Dallas 31, but Hall stayed after Owens.

Owens responded by spitting in his face.

TO -- that flushing sound you keep hearing in the background is all the money you could have made going down a massive drain.

Season's Eatings

I've always been told that you really don't want to know what is in a hot dog...but apparently some people have decided that the standard hot dog ingredients just aren't enough. The solution? Add reindeer meat.

Chicago Sun-Times:

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose -- and a coat of mustard and grilled onions.

That's the gist of a menu special being offered through December at fRedhots and Fries, a hot dog stand in Glenview -- a reindeer hot dog dressed the way Alaskans like it, in a poppyseed bun the way Chicagoans like it.

...The reindeer dog, which costs $8, is made by Indian Valley Meats of Indian, Alaska.

It's actually a blend of reindeer meat, beef and pork. Because reindeer meat is so lean, it needs fat to add flavor. An all-reindeer hot dog would just taste like "rubber," said Cathy Drum, whose family owns Indian Valley Meats.

I'm guessing the reindeer dog has limited appeal. That said, if it ends up at Miller Park, I'd say the reindeer dog has to be the early favorite in the sausage race.

No More North Pole?

Yahoo! News/AFP:

WASHINGTON (AFP) - The worrying shrinkage of Arctic sea ice could accelerate dramatically in coming decades, leaving the planet's most northerly ocean virtually devoid of ice in summer by 2040, according to a new study.

The paper, which appeared in the US journal Geophysical Research Letters on Tuesday, mainly points the finger at greenhouse-gas emissions.

It warned that if carbon pollution continues to increase at present rates, the Arctic's normal cycle of freezing and thawing faces catastrophic disruption.

...The shrinkage of the Arctic ice cap is viewed with alarm by scientists, as it appears to perturb important ocean currents elsewhere, notably the Gulf Stream, which gives western Europe its balmy climate.

It also threatens animals such as polar bears and seals that depend on ice -- as well as Inuits and other native peoples who hunt these animals and have to travel on thinner ice in this quest.

...In September, European scientists unveiled satellite images from late August showing that perennial sea ice -- thick ice that is normally present year-round and is not affected by the Arctic summer -- had disappeared over an area bigger than the British Isles.

The study released Tuesday concludes that reduced rates of greenhouse gas emissions could slow the ice loss. "Our research indicates that society can still minimize the impacts on Artic ice," Holland said.

"Mommy, what happened to Santa's house?"

'Well, little Johnny, Mommy needed to drive an SUV the size of Rhode Island to get you to and from soccer practice, so the North Pole melted and Santa is moving to Nevada.'

Spaulding Law: Unitards

Today the editorial board of Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! is proud to introduce a new feature called "Spaulding Laws" -- a take off on the one-time very popular Miller Lite "Man Laws."

As you may have noticed, Man Laws have left our TV screen and the Spaulding editorial board believes that it is time someone fill that void -- providing order to a society so desperately searching for direction.

Spaulding Laws will address things that are currently ungoverned, and in some cases will step in to resolve a situation where the governing authority is not living up to its obligations. Today's edition is, sadly, a case of the latter:

Spaulding Law: NFL teams are not allowed to wear the unitard look (a.k.a. matching jerseys and pants) unless they are the classic road whites

A very, very, very disturbing trend has been sweeping the NFL in recent years -- the unitard look. You know it when you see it. This is the one where teams wear matching pants with their dark jersey top. Best described as butt ugly, this Spaulding Law hereby does away with this look entirely.

Should a NFL team wear this look on the field fans are required to actively root against that team, even if it is their own team found to be violating this uniform rule.

Unitards are not professional football uniforms. At best they look like something you would watch your cousin's pee-wee league running around in, and at worst they look like hand-me-downs from some short of shuttered arena football league.
















Professional football uniforms are distinctive, with a contrasting jersey and pant combo.














The only allowable, and endorsed, exception to this rule is with the road white jersey. Matching white road jerseys with white pants is a football classic and should be continued.

With the introduction of this law all NFL teams must revert to wearing professional football uniforms by next weekend.

Spaulding Laws will be keeping a list and checking it twice.

Letterman's Great Moments in Presidential Speeches: Key Operators

With approval of how the president is handling Iraq at an all time low, maybe it is time we check in with Great Moments in Presidential Speeches...

Bush's Iraq Approval Rating

AP:

WASHINGTON -- President George W. Bush's approval rating on Iraq has slumped to a new low.
Just 27 percent of those questioned in a new AP-Ipsos poll approve of the way he's handling the war.

Huh?!? Twenty-seven percent?!?

Forget Bush, I want to know just who these 27 percent of people are, and just what the heck they looking at that meets their approval.

Letterman's Great Moments in Presidential Speeches: Relatives