If Only They'd Put Frickin' Laser Beams on Their Heads

The Tampa Bay Devils Rays are bringing some excitement to their sterile ballpark. Excitement in the form of real, live rays!

From the USA Today's On Deadline blog:

"The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are putting real rays in a 10,000-gallon tank beyond the right-center field fence..."

The St. Petersburg Times fleshes this out:

"The five cownose rays joined two others brought over earlier as the first of 30 inhabitants of the Devil Rays new touch tank at the Trop, where fans will be able to pet the animals like they do at a similar tank at the aquarium in Tampa.

"The 35-foot, irregularly shaped tank is being installed as part of the team's $10-million makeover of Tropicana Field. It is believed to be the only attraction of its kind inside a professional sports arena nationwide.

"Fans will be able to pet and feed the rays inside the three-foot-deep tank for the first time at the 7:15 p.m. July 21 game against the Baltimore Orioles.

"About 50 fans at a time will be allowed to enter the tank area for free, for about 10 minutes. They can purchase food -- squid most likely -- to give the rays."

And since this is a ballpark each squid will cost $7.50.

At first I thought the ray idea was goofy, but I actually think that it is kind of a neat attraction for the team. In fact, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are making this a ballgame attraction as well by donating $5,000 to charity for each ball that makes a splash.

From the team's Web site:

"The tank will also be a fundraiser; for every ball hit into the tank during a game, the Rays will donate $2,500 to the Florida Aquarium and $2,500 to a charity of that player's choice."

So all of this got me thinking, what other zoological and team-related attractions could other teams install in their ballparks and stadiums?

Here are a few (and, yes, professional sports team marketing departments, I am available for hire, leave your contact info in my comments section):

The San Diego Chargers "Power Grid"

Children will have the chance to run across a large, grated metal surface that periodically electrifies to the delight of onlookers.

Pluses:

• make it solar and you can pull in a whole other demographic
• lets the kids run off all that excess energy they picked up from their third bag of blue cotton candy

Minuses:

• lots of electrified hair standing on end
• lawsuits?

Pittsburgh Pirates "Walk the Plank"

So your team is in the dumpster, but you've got a beautiful ballpark, how do you fill those seats? Well as anyone who has gone to a professional sports event knows people love yelling when the 'fan-o-meter' comes on the screen. Good, let's use that. During the seventh inning stretch fans will be able to vote on what pirate walks the plank into the river, with all voting done via voice, a la the fan-0-meter.

Pluses:

• Gives Pirates fans something to cheer about

Minuses:

• Extra time in the dryer for at least one uniform a game
• Players union would probably have some objections

San Jose Sharks "Shark Tank Penalty Box"

People love banging on the glass when hockey players get thrown in the penalty box -- imagine how much they'll like it when they get to watch real sharks torment those who have broken the rules.

Pluses:

• Opens the door to a great new marketing slogan, "Thrills, Chills and Kills?"
• Liability for damage related to injuries sustained by opposing team's players

Minuses:

• You wouldn't want to put your own guys in the box
• High probability Joe Rogan would show up

Arizona Diamondback's "Snakes in a Ballpark"

The movie isn't even out and the Internet is already buzzing. Therefore, to create unrivaled word of mouth, the Arizona Diamondbacks release thousands of snakes throughout the ballpark.

Pluses:

• High probability Samuel L. Jackson would show up and kick some ass

Minuses:

• None