Monday, January 07, 2008

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Size Matters Not

Via Fox

Boy, 11, Uses Toy Lightsaber to Defend Mom From Attacker

An 11-year-old boy demonstrated The Force when he defended his mom by hitting an attacker with a toy lightsaber.

The man, in his 30s, fled after being confronted by the youngster outside a bakery in Swardeston, near Norwich, England.

Police said the boy hit the man with his toy after the man had punched and verbally abused his mother as she approached her car.

Monday, December 17, 2007



Obama tossed back a remark by President Clinton during his 1992 campaign to answer questions by both Clintons about Obama's short political resume (he was elected to the U.S. Senate two years ago, after eight years in the Illinois state Senate). The Clinton campaign believes one of Obama's greatest vulnerability is his short tenure in public office, especially with the country at war, and the issue is expected to surface again and again in the weeks ahead.

"Here's a quote," said Obama. "The same old experience is irrelevant. You can have the right kind of experience or the wrong kind of experience. And mine is rooted in the real lives of real people and it will bring real results if we have the courage to change. And that was Bill Clinton in 1992."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Garland Out, Cabrera In

Now it gets interesting. The first of perhaps many moves?

Cabrera, an excellent shortstop who also is signed only through next season, is due $9 million; Garland is due $12 million. Normally the money goes to the team taking on salary, but Garland's trade value was so high that Williams was able to get cash even though he is shedding the bigger commitment. That almost never happens.

Williams compares the deal with the trade that sent Carlos Lee to Milwaukee for Scott Podsednik and Luis Vizcaino before the 2005 season. The difference between Lee's $8 million salary and the combined $1.85 million due Podsednik and Vizcaino allowed Williams to make some more moves, most notably signing A.J. Pierzynski and Orlando Hernandez.

It's clear Williams wants to sign one of two free-agent center fielders—Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand—and the extra flexibility will help. But the plan to add players through free agency runs deeper, and Williams is confident he can turn Garland into Cabrera and another player or two.

"The message I have been giving everyone we have targeted is we are 100 percent committed to winning a championship in 2008," Williams said Monday. "Yes, I always have my eye on the future, but I'll tell you this: Last year did not sit well with any of us. I'll be damned if we go through that again."

Eyes on Iowa

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Dear news media,

Please, please, please quit running articles that say Alex Rodriguez will potentially end up with the White Sox.

And here's why: Scott Boras. The White Sox have a history of not working with the guy. So why all of a sudden would they be in the market for his show pony? They wouldn't. A-Rod will have to put up his gaudy numbers with no postseason results someplace else.

That is all.


Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat!

Greatest Hits

Britney Spears has a greatest hits album. Seriously. Britney Spears. And it came out in 2004.

She's now 26 years old.

Yeah...that's a career.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Mysteries of the Universe

As a universal rule, staplers will always, ALWAYS have plenty of staples in them when you are in no hurry. That said, as soon as you have something you need to staple quickly because you're rushing off to a meeting, the stapler will be empty. It's strange, infuriating, and true.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Viva Viagra

Those happy-go-lucky, can't stop singing about Viagra, guys are still going at it. I'm surprised Pfizer keeps running this pathetic ad.

The commercial has been on the air for MONTHS.


If the Viva Viagra ad campaign lasts longer than four hours aren't we supposed to call a doctor?

Critics Say It's...

Is it just me, or have there been about a hundred different films labeled "the funniest film of the year"?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Egads! Sputnik!

Even though the Cold War is now a chapter in American history textbooks it appears that some people are still scared of Sputnik.

LA Times

Google Inc. occasionally features light-hearted doodles on its colorful home-page logo to commemorate special occasions. But now they are drawing criticism from conservatives for not being more patriotic.

The Mountain View, Calif., company bathes its logo in stars and stripes every Independence Day, but last week's decision to honor the 50th anniversary of the Sputnik launch -- the second "g" in Google was replaced with a drawing of the Soviet satellite -- is being blasted by some conservatives.

Not only did Google honor an achievement by a totalitarian regime that was our Cold War enemy, they griped, but it did so without having ever altered its logo to commemorate U.S. military personnel on Memorial Day or Veterans Day.
So given the variety of problems plaguing the world, the paint job is what some people are spending their time focusing on?


Google: misplaced priorities.

Foreign Policy Wisdom from Obama

Chicago Tribune:

Obama also defended his previous statements about being willing to meet -- without precondition -- in the first year of his presidency with the leaders of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Cuba and North Korea.

"Kennedy had a direct line to Khrushchev. Nixon met with Mao. Carter did the hard work of negotiating the Camp David accords," Obama said. "Reagan was negotiating arms agreements with Gorbachev even as he called on him to 'tear down this wall.'"

Friday, October 05, 2007

Wild Card

"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush after voting against realignment and a new wild-card system during a Major League Baseball owners meeting in September 1993. Bush was the lone dissenter in a 27-1 vote.

Monday, October 01, 2007

15 Minutes of Fame

Supposedly everyone will get 15 minutes of fame. But who really believes that? Let's face it, most people -- if they get any "fame" at all -- will get far, far less than 15 minutes of it.

To quantify this, the research department at Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! conducted a highly unscientific survey to determine what people do with their 15 minutes (or less) of TV fame.

Here's a look at the results:

3 percent: Streaking

Once a more popular choice for TV fame than today (due to the fact that most sports broadcasts no longer show crazy fans running onto the field), streaking is still the favored attempt at fame for a small, but dedicated percentage of the population.

Estimated actual time of fame:
20-30 seconds depending on the speed of the security guards on duty; roughly a semester around the frat house

15 percent: Hand concealing the face

Made famous by individuals appearing on Cops, raising one hand to ruin the TV camera's shot and possibly retain one's anonymity while being escorted into a police vehicle is a common use of TV fame.

Estimated actual time of fame: four to five seconds; actual time may increase depending on how many local TV newscasts use the footage.

22 percent: American Idol

A dedicated contingent of Americans regularly line up for the chance to showcase their lack of singing skills on FOX's American Idol, and maybe, just maybe, garner a Simon Cowell insult so merciless that it becomes the stuff of family lore for three to four generations. This newer method to gain one's 15 minutes is increasing in popularity.

Estimated actual time of fame:
20-45 seconds; longer if the clip makes it to YouTube.

60 percent: Sports fans

Despite the increase in all of the above methods of securing TV fame, none have come close to the "sports fan" method.

Originating with the inception of television, the sports fan method for 15 minutes of fame can most commonly be identified by the individual shouting, "WHOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOO!!! NUMBER ONE, BABY!!! WHOOOOOO!!!" This exclamation is utilized no matter how much the fan's team is losing by and irregardless of whether the fan's proclamation of first place status is accurate or not. An adaptation on this method is used at golf tournaments, when the sports fan shouts, "IT'S IN THE HOLE!!!" at the moment the club head makes contact with the ball. This method is most expertly used during the tee shot on par fives.

Estimated actual time of fame:
two to five seconds; screen time is most commonly determined by how quickly the broadcast goes to commercial or goes back to showing sports instead of drunken blowhards.

Researcher's note: Though there are other methods of achieving fame, all others examined for this report were determined to be statistically insignificant.

MLB Play-In Game

I feel like I'll probably be rooting for San Diego (which is German for...) but I think Colorado will ride their late season surge and home field setting to move on.

We'll see...

(Hey, I did correctly predict Philly would win their division).

Note: These predictions are provided solely for my entertainment. If you use them for anything else, you're crazy.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Guess Who Must Be Reading This Blog...

The Wisconsin Badgers were found in violation of Spaulding Law the last few weeks when they wore the unitard look (matching jersey and pants) on the football field, seemingly turning their backs on the wonderful, rich football history of the school.

Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! jumped on the team immediately and criticized them soundly for dressing like amateurs.

Then came this week versus Iowa...

Wisconsin State Journal:

Since Bielema figured it was going to be an old-fashioned Big Ten game, he had his players go back to their customary white pants, instead of the red ones they wore in the last two home games.

"I talked to our team on Thursday night, I said, 'You know what, this is an old grind-out football game, we're playing one of our arch-rivals, it's a 40-40-2 (series) split, a rivalry game, it's a trophy game, let's get back to doing what we do best, ' " Bielema said.

"They all started grinning. (Defensive tackle Jason Chapman), who never says anything, exclaimed very loudly that he likes the white pants look. We have to keep everybody guessing from here on out."
You know what this means...

...Bielema reads this blog.

Thanks for dressing your team like football players this week, coach.

We'll be sure to speak up if you bust out those red pants with anything but the white jersey tops.

Let the Speculation Begin

21.5 games out of the Wild Card lead with seven games left to play, there isn't much of interest left to follow in the White Sox season this year. Let the offseason speculation begin...

Chicago Tribune:

...But with Cleveland on the verge of clinching the division for the first time since 2001, emphasis has shifted to how the Sox and Twins will regroup, whether it's Minnesota surviving the potential loss of All-Star center fielder Torii Hunter or how Sox general manager Ken Williams will revamp his roster after a disastrous 2007.

Williams hasn't been shy about making bold changes, such as reshaping the lineup that produced a 2005 World Series championship. A retooled bullpen was 2007's major alteration, but it collapsed two months into the season.

Manager Ozzie Guillen expects Williams to make more daring moves, but he doesn't expect first baseman Paul Konerko to be involved.

"I don't think Konerko is going to be one of the guys [traded]," Guillen said. "We don't know, but I don't see that coming. I see [pitcher Jon] Garland saying, 'I'm going to get traded.' I don't think that's the right comment because we don't know that.

"One thing about Kenny, he will let you know what you need to know. If we put any one of our five starters on the market, someone will take it. You have to be careful of that and say, 'Well, why do these people want to take it and we cannot keep it?'

"I'm not just talking about Garland. I understand why he thinks about it because it seems like every year he's been [rumored to be] traded. But we're not going to play dirty with guys who were important for us. We're not going to lie to people."

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Most Dangerous Round of Golf EVER

I wasn't too too concerned that I played golf through the world's largest mosquito convention on Sunday afternoon until I saw this...


Bullfighter wiped out by mosquito

Fri Sep 14, 4:38 AM ET

MADRID - If the bulls don't get you, a mosquito might, as Spanish bullfighter Jose Maria Manzanares has discovered to his cost.

After surviving 57 bullfights this season with the usual share of gorings, tramplings and tossings, Manzanares dropped out early suffering from Dengue fever.

...Manzanares had been fainting and generally feeling unwell for months, but doctors could not decide what was wrong with him until detailed tests showed he was suffering from one of the milder forms of Dengue.

...The more serious forms of Dengue kill hundreds of people every year especially in Asia.
I'd better WebMD the Dengue fever symptoms...