Dear news media,
Please, please, please quit running articles that say Alex Rodriguez will potentially end up with the White Sox.
And here's why: Scott Boras. The White Sox have a history of not working with the guy. So why all of a sudden would they be in the market for his show pony? They wouldn't. A-Rod will have to put up his gaudy numbers with no postseason results someplace else.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat!
Britney Spears has a greatest hits album. Seriously. Britney Spears. And it came out in 2004.
She's now 26 years old.
Yeah...that's a career.
As a universal rule, staplers will always, ALWAYS have plenty of staples in them when you are in no hurry. That said, as soon as you have something you need to staple quickly because you're rushing off to a meeting, the stapler will be empty. It's strange, infuriating, and true.
Those happy-go-lucky, can't stop singing about Viagra, guys are still going at it. I'm surprised Pfizer keeps running this pathetic ad.
The commercial has been on the air for MONTHS.
Wait...months?
If the Viva Viagra ad campaign lasts longer than four hours aren't we supposed to call a doctor?
Is it just me, or have there been about a hundred different films labeled "the funniest film of the year"?
Even though the Cold War is now a chapter in American history textbooks it appears that some people are still scared of Sputnik.
LA Times:
Google Inc. occasionally features light-hearted doodles on its colorful home-page logo to commemorate special occasions. But now they are drawing criticism from conservatives for not being more patriotic.So given the variety of problems plaguing the world, the paint job is what some people are spending their time focusing on?
The Mountain View, Calif., company bathes its logo in stars and stripes every Independence Day, but last week's decision to honor the 50th anniversary of the Sputnik launch -- the second "g" in Google was replaced with a drawing of the Soviet satellite -- is being blasted by some conservatives.
Not only did Google honor an achievement by a totalitarian regime that was our Cold War enemy, they griped, but it did so without having ever altered its logo to commemorate U.S. military personnel on Memorial Day or Veterans Day.
Obama also defended his previous statements about being willing to meet -- without precondition -- in the first year of his presidency with the leaders of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Cuba and North Korea.
"Kennedy had a direct line to Khrushchev. Nixon met with Mao. Carter did the hard work of negotiating the Camp David accords," Obama said. "Reagan was negotiating arms agreements with Gorbachev even as he called on him to 'tear down this wall.'"
"I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right." -- Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush after voting against realignment and a new wild-card system during a Major League Baseball owners meeting in September 1993. Bush was the lone dissenter in a 27-1 vote.
Supposedly everyone will get 15 minutes of fame. But who really believes that? Let's face it, most people -- if they get any "fame" at all -- will get far, far less than 15 minutes of it.
To quantify this, the research department at Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! conducted a highly unscientific survey to determine what people do with their 15 minutes (or less) of TV fame.
Here's a look at the results:
3 percent: Streaking
Once a more popular choice for TV fame than today (due to the fact that most sports broadcasts no longer show crazy fans running onto the field), streaking is still the favored attempt at fame for a small, but dedicated percentage of the population.
Estimated actual time of fame: 20-30 seconds depending on the speed of the security guards on duty; roughly a semester around the frat house
15 percent: Hand concealing the face
Made famous by individuals appearing on Cops, raising one hand to ruin the TV camera's shot and possibly retain one's anonymity while being escorted into a police vehicle is a common use of TV fame.
Estimated actual time of fame: four to five seconds; actual time may increase depending on how many local TV newscasts use the footage.
22 percent: American Idol
A dedicated contingent of Americans regularly line up for the chance to showcase their lack of singing skills on FOX's American Idol, and maybe, just maybe, garner a Simon Cowell insult so merciless that it becomes the stuff of family lore for three to four generations. This newer method to gain one's 15 minutes is increasing in popularity.
Estimated actual time of fame: 20-45 seconds; longer if the clip makes it to YouTube.
60 percent: Sports fans
Despite the increase in all of the above methods of securing TV fame, none have come close to the "sports fan" method.
Originating with the inception of television, the sports fan method for 15 minutes of fame can most commonly be identified by the individual shouting, "WHOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOO!!! NUMBER ONE, BABY!!! WHOOOOOO!!!" This exclamation is utilized no matter how much the fan's team is losing by and irregardless of whether the fan's proclamation of first place status is accurate or not. An adaptation on this method is used at golf tournaments, when the sports fan shouts, "IT'S IN THE HOLE!!!" at the moment the club head makes contact with the ball. This method is most expertly used during the tee shot on par fives.
Estimated actual time of fame: two to five seconds; screen time is most commonly determined by how quickly the broadcast goes to commercial or goes back to showing sports instead of drunken blowhards.
Researcher's note: Though there are other methods of achieving fame, all others examined for this report were determined to be statistically insignificant.
I feel like I'll probably be rooting for San Diego (which is German for...) but I think Colorado will ride their late season surge and home field setting to move on.
We'll see...
(Hey, I did correctly predict Philly would win their division).
Note: These predictions are provided solely for my entertainment. If you use them for anything else, you're crazy.
