15 Minutes of Fame

Supposedly everyone will get 15 minutes of fame. But who really believes that? Let's face it, most people -- if they get any "fame" at all -- will get far, far less than 15 minutes of it.

To quantify this, the research department at Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! conducted a highly unscientific survey to determine what people do with their 15 minutes (or less) of TV fame.

Here's a look at the results:

3 percent: Streaking

Once a more popular choice for TV fame than today (due to the fact that most sports broadcasts no longer show crazy fans running onto the field), streaking is still the favored attempt at fame for a small, but dedicated percentage of the population.

Estimated actual time of fame: 20-30 seconds depending on the speed of the security guards on duty; roughly a semester around the frat house

15 percent: Hand concealing the face

Made famous by individuals appearing on Cops, raising one hand to ruin the TV camera's shot and possibly retain one's anonymity while being escorted into a police vehicle is a common use of TV fame.

Estimated actual time of fame: four to five seconds; actual time may increase depending on how many local TV newscasts use the footage.

22 percent: American Idol

A dedicated contingent of Americans regularly line up for the chance to showcase their lack of singing skills on FOX's American Idol, and maybe, just maybe, garner a Simon Cowell insult so merciless that it becomes the stuff of family lore for three to four generations. This newer method to gain one's 15 minutes is increasing in popularity.

Estimated actual time of fame: 20-45 seconds; longer if the clip makes it to YouTube.

60 percent: Sports fans

Despite the increase in all of the above methods of securing TV fame, none have come close to the "sports fan" method.

Originating with the inception of television, the sports fan method for 15 minutes of fame can most commonly be identified by the individual shouting, "WHOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOO!!! NUMBER ONE, BABY!!! WHOOOOOO!!!" This exclamation is utilized no matter how much the fan's team is losing by and irregardless of whether the fan's proclamation of first place status is accurate or not. An adaptation on this method is used at golf tournaments, when the sports fan shouts, "IT'S IN THE HOLE!!!" at the moment the club head makes contact with the ball. This method is most expertly used during the tee shot on par fives.

Estimated actual time of fame: two to five seconds; screen time is most commonly determined by how quickly the broadcast goes to commercial or goes back to showing sports instead of drunken blowhards.


Researcher's note: Though there are other methods of achieving fame, all others examined for this report were determined to be statistically insignificant.

Tales from the North Side

How a Cub fan is spending his winter...

Northwest Herald:

Later, in line at Wrigleyville Sports at Addison and Sheffield on the North Side, talk centered on the Cubs outfield situation. This was said by a man checking out a Juan Pierre jersey that was on sale:

Customer: Juan Pierre’s not on the Cubs anymore?

Clerk: (Hopefully mentally rolling his eyes). No, he signed with the Dodgers a few weeks ago.

Customer: Who’s No. 9 now? Maybe they don’t have a No. 9. OK, I have to think about this.

A minute or two passes.

Customer: OK, I’ll take it. But the one without the name on the back.

Just goes to show that dopey thinking knows no latitude.

Guillen Out of Touch on This One

Ozzie Guillen is a character, but this one goes too far. In fact it rounds the bend from being colorful to end up in the realm of the idiotic.

ChicagoSports.com:

"I'm sure there are people in Chicago who are happy we didn't make it. And not just Cubs fans either. White Sox fans too. Some people think, the media, they're happy we didn't make it. But we can't please everyone. We just have to come back strong and try to get another shot next year."

HUH?!? White Sox fans are happy that we aren't in the playoffs?!? Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie. You're taking things way, way, way too far. The only Sox "fans" who are happy that we aren't in the playoffs are those who wear Cubs hats to U.S. Cellular.

Here is the end of the quote:

Guillen believes that those detractors do respect him.

"Some people don't like the way I am," Guillen said. "I'm the way I am, and no one is going to take that away from me. Of course, some people are really sad we don't make it, but they're true fans and the people who work at the park."

I guess I'm just a "true fan." Still, I can't fathom there are many White Sox fans who are happy with the way this year turned out.

Why the Twins Don't Deserve It

This one should probably have been entitled why Twins fans don't deserve it.

AP:

The small crowd of 18,108 at the Metrodome cheered when Chicago's game was final, saving more screaming for the real celebration about 90 minutes later.

Wait, wait, wait! Your team is having one of the all-time great second halves of the season, and only a handful more than 18,000 make it out to the ballpark on the night they clinch a playoff birth? Twins fans, you just don't deserve this. And you didn't deserve it in 2002, 2003 or 2004 either. You've made four trips to the playoffs in the past five years. It is the end of the season and you're fighting for the division championship. Show up! Put some butts in the seats, and then we'll talk. Until then you don't deserve it.

Best Values Can Be Found in the Best Division in Baseball

SI.com has issued their Fan Value Index 2006 -- an analysis of what ballparks provide fans with the best overall experience for their dollar, as judged by the fans themselves.

The survey looked at:

• Average ticket price
• Average cost of concessions/souvenirs
• Accessibility
• Amenities
• Atmosphere
• Neighborhood
• Team

The top five team/ballpark experiences as ranked by the fans are:

1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Angel Stadium)
2) Colorado Rockies (Coors Field)
3) Pittsburgh Pirates (PNC Park)
4) Milwaukee Brewers (Miller Park)
5) Texas Rangers (Ameriquest Field)

The five worst team/ballpark experiences are:

26) Los Angeles Dodgers (Dodger Stadium)
27) Florida Marlins (Dolphin Stadium)
28) Boston Red Sox (Fenway Park)
29) New York Mets (Shea Stadium)
30) Washington Nationals (RFK Stadium)

And, for those who can only recognize baseball team names if they are deified by ESPN, other notables include:

19) New York Yankees (Yankee Stadium)
24) Chicago Cubs (Wrigley Field)

What is most interesting about this list is when you look at it on a division-by-division basis you find that the best fan value can be found in the best division in baseball, the American League Central.

Here is the proof:

For comparison purposes, I grouped the rankings by division, and then averaged the score for all of the teams in that division. This yielded the following results (lower score is better -- remember, these are rankings):

AL Central: 8.00
NL Central: 11.83
AL West: 12.25
NL West: 15.8
AL East: 21.40
NL East: 23.80

Based upon these figures, one can't help but conclude that the fans attending the Tigers/Twins/White Sox games making up the AL wild card chase are enjoying perhaps the best wild card value, ever.

The Tiger Effect

On Saturday I had the privilege of attending the 88th PGA Championship at Medinah, and like most people in the gallery I joined the mass of bodies following Tiger Woods.

Watching Tiger is like watching Michael Jordan in his prime -- it is to come face-to-face with the pinnacle of human athletic performance. His swing conjures an almost emotional, awe-inspired reaction completely different than the "standard" impressed feeling that you get from watching "ordinary" professional golfers (who are already better than 99.9 percent of us).

A statuesque figure, with the perfect blend of power and finesse, Tiger is intimidating enough on his own. But what you quickly come to understand when you see Tiger in person (better than you can understand it on television) is that beyond Tiger's sheer and unrivaled athletic ability, he wields the intangible of a large, energized gallery. And in my estimation (as well as the reports of others) this is a big part of the Tiger effect.

Few golfers generate galleries that line up four, five and six-deep around tee boxes. I saw Phil Mickelson tee off of the seventh, and he had a far larger crowd than the other groups ahead of him, but Phil's crowd didn't have the buzz and energy of Tiger's.

Tiger has herd following him around the golf course.

It is a mass of humanity that splits its time between watching his shots and running ahead of Tiger to get a good viewing angle a little bit further ahead on the course. It is respectful, but altogether different than the meandering galleries that line the other 15 or so holes that aren't experiencing the Tiger effect.

The Sports Network reports that Woods is 11-for-11 when he holds at least a share of the 54-hole lead, as he does in this tournament. So that means when Tiger wins he is in the final group. Therefore, if you are playing ahead of Tiger you are subjected to hundreds of people running along fairways, crowding tee boxes, and encircling greens to get a glimpse of their hero.

It is no wonder that golfers accustomed to still and silent spectators that get people sprinting from fairway to green feel out of place. Add to this the fact that they know they are chasing Tiger Woods, and you can see why the competition often withers.

From Michael Wilbon in the Washington Post:

You thought Jack Nicklaus could win, or might win, or in some cases, like at Augusta National, probably would win.

But it never seemed inevitable.

And since missing the cut at the U.S. Open, that's how it seems for Woods.

...The question now, after 54 holes, is who's going to stop him here?

...Mike Weir, who has won a major, also tied the course record with a 65 on Saturday. And while he has won seven tournaments since his meltdown in the final round on this same golf course in the 1999 PGA Championship, one has to wonder if Weir will suffer any effects from that final-round 80 he shot when paired with Woods that day. Weir, flashing back to that day, recalled: "I was uptight. I just wasn't calm about it. . . . No question it was painful." Weir recalled feeling "spacey . . . kind of spun out."

It's impossible to hear that and not wonder how much of that is directly attributable to being paired with Woods, whose galleries are uncommonly loud and mobile. Tiger, having won four times in Chicago in his career, is as beloved here as Mickelson is in New York. But there might be some divided loyalties Sunday because Donald has lived in Chicago since winning the NCAA championship as a Northwestern University student in 1999. He has two PGA Tour victories and two European victories. He played with Nicklaus during the Golden Bear's final British Open round last year, so he is hardly a neophyte.

But he knows Tiger rolls over people when he's even or ahead. He talked about Sunday being "a little bit different," though he must know it will be massively different. "I don't know whether the local support," he said, "will outweigh Tiger's kind of army following him."

It has been quite humid at Medinah -- play Friday was accompanied by a 70 percent chance of rain. One can't help but feel that the chance of the Tiger effect manifesting itself is at least that high today.