Isn't There Homeland Security Money Available For This Sort of Thing?

AP:

OKOMO, Ind. - A wayward squirrel invaded a power substation and left more than 5,000 homes and businesses without electricity.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to say that squirrels are an emerging threat in this country and our states have done nothing to secure their borders. Squirrels are free to wander state-to-state, building up caches of nuts and intel without so much as a glance by local law enforcement.

And lest you sleep soundly tonight, I tell you the squirrel threat is not confined to this widespread power outage (which was clearly a malicious attack on commerce in this country). No, the squirrel has shown that he is an enemy who knows know bounds. Just last week he attacked those simply trying to enjoy a day off at the park.

I urge you to take the proper precautions and to form a neighborhood watch. Eyes on the trees; stay in your cars.