Squirrels Continue Assault on Human Civilization

Just when you think it's safe to go outside again, the squirrels strike back.

Reuters:

A squirrel scampered into the bicycle wheel of an unlucky Finnish opera singer, causing him to fall, knock himself out and break his nose just ahead of the world premiere of a new opera.

...The singer ended up concussed and in a local hospital, rather than at his rehearsals for the Finnish opera Kaarmeen hetki (Hour of the Serpent), which opens on September 15.

...The squirrel died in the accident.

Spaulding was among the first to report on the alarming number of guerrilla-style squirrel attacks launched at homo sapien targets. This latest, suicide-style attack is a startling development and marks a change in their tactics.

Just remember: we don't know where, we don't know when, but squirrels will attack and we have to be prepared. Refrain from stockpiling nuts and remain indoors. And please note, it is no longer believed that putting duct tape around your windows will deter a squirrel attack.

The Department of Homeland Security did not increase the national threat level in response to this foreign attack. We remain at yellow (elevated).

Isn't There Homeland Security Money Available For This Sort of Thing?

AP:

OKOMO, Ind. - A wayward squirrel invaded a power substation and left more than 5,000 homes and businesses without electricity.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to say that squirrels are an emerging threat in this country and our states have done nothing to secure their borders. Squirrels are free to wander state-to-state, building up caches of nuts and intel without so much as a glance by local law enforcement.

And lest you sleep soundly tonight, I tell you the squirrel threat is not confined to this widespread power outage (which was clearly a malicious attack on commerce in this country). No, the squirrel has shown that he is an enemy who knows know bounds. Just last week he attacked those simply trying to enjoy a day off at the park.

I urge you to take the proper precautions and to form a neighborhood watch. Eyes on the trees; stay in your cars.