Spaulding Law: Unitards

Today the editorial board of Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! is proud to introduce a new feature called "Spaulding Laws" -- a take off on the one-time very popular Miller Lite "Man Laws."

As you may have noticed, Man Laws have left our TV screen and the Spaulding editorial board believes that it is time someone fill that void -- providing order to a society so desperately searching for direction.

Spaulding Laws will address things that are currently ungoverned, and in some cases will step in to resolve a situation where the governing authority is not living up to its obligations. Today's edition is, sadly, a case of the latter:

Spaulding Law: NFL teams are not allowed to wear the unitard look (a.k.a. matching jerseys and pants) unless they are the classic road whites

A very, very, very disturbing trend has been sweeping the NFL in recent years -- the unitard look. You know it when you see it. This is the one where teams wear matching pants with their dark jersey top. Best described as butt ugly, this Spaulding Law hereby does away with this look entirely.

Should a NFL team wear this look on the field fans are required to actively root against that team, even if it is their own team found to be violating this uniform rule.

Unitards are not professional football uniforms. At best they look like something you would watch your cousin's pee-wee league running around in, and at worst they look like hand-me-downs from some short of shuttered arena football league.
















Professional football uniforms are distinctive, with a contrasting jersey and pant combo.














The only allowable, and endorsed, exception to this rule is with the road white jersey. Matching white road jerseys with white pants is a football classic and should be continued.

With the introduction of this law all NFL teams must revert to wearing professional football uniforms by next weekend.

Spaulding Laws will be keeping a list and checking it twice.

Public Restroom Man Laws

From Steve Dahl in today's Chicago Tribune:

....I was using the restaurant's men's room to wash my hands...An older gentleman was stationed at the urinal. When he was finished, I stepped to the side to allow him access to the sink, but he declined and chose to leave the washroom without washing...

The strange thing was that he had a napkin or something that he had already palmed to keep his hand from touching the door handle on the way out. I "drafted," as they say in NASCAR, and went out the open door behind him. I appreciated the opportunity to not have to think about the futility of washing my hands and then touching the filthy restroom door.

I am not a paper on the handle kind of guy, but judging from the piles of paper towels on the floors of many public bathrooms, a lot of people are. I have just chosen not to take things that far. I must admit, however, that someone using the paper barrier after not even bothering to wash his hands was a first for me.

Eeeewww. You've gotta wash your hands! And what is this business with thinking that his parts are clean enough that he doesn't need to wash them, but he does need to protect himself from the door handle?!? Guys who don't wash their hands is why you have to paper the door handle anyway. This is just wrong on so many levels, and I feel the only thing that can be done about it is to call for the enactment of several new Man Laws:

1. All men (and women) must wash their hands using soap and warm water -- none of this water only crap -- before leaving the bathroom.
2. To ensure continued cleanliness all users of said restroom shall open the door using a paper towel barrier between their hand and the handle.
3. All restroom facilities must provide a trash can near the door to collect paper towels that have been used to open the door.
4. Paper towel dispensers must operate in a hands-free manner, meaning the paper towel may be acquired without touching any parts such as handles, buttons or triggers to ensure the continued sterility of the hands.
   
5. (Optional, but recommended) Restroom doors shall open out, not in to the restroom. This enables the opening of the door and exit using a foot, elbow, etc. and relieves the need to have a trash receptacle near the door.