Guillen Out of Touch on This One

Ozzie Guillen is a character, but this one goes too far. In fact it rounds the bend from being colorful to end up in the realm of the idiotic.

ChicagoSports.com:

"I'm sure there are people in Chicago who are happy we didn't make it. And not just Cubs fans either. White Sox fans too. Some people think, the media, they're happy we didn't make it. But we can't please everyone. We just have to come back strong and try to get another shot next year."

HUH?!? White Sox fans are happy that we aren't in the playoffs?!? Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie. You're taking things way, way, way too far. The only Sox "fans" who are happy that we aren't in the playoffs are those who wear Cubs hats to U.S. Cellular.

Here is the end of the quote:

Guillen believes that those detractors do respect him.

"Some people don't like the way I am," Guillen said. "I'm the way I am, and no one is going to take that away from me. Of course, some people are really sad we don't make it, but they're true fans and the people who work at the park."

I guess I'm just a "true fan." Still, I can't fathom there are many White Sox fans who are happy with the way this year turned out.

Good Thing Global Warming Isn't Real...

Chicago Tribune:

Blasting A/C in the Arctic

One area is 5 to 11 degrees above average

In this northern territory, temperatures are rising, hunters are falling through ice and offices are using something they've never used before--air co

By Howard Witt
Tribune senior correspondent

September 29, 2006

RESOLUTE BAY, Nunavut -- They never used to need air conditioners up in the Arctic.

But earlier this year, officials in the Canadian Inuit territory of Nunavik authorized the installation of air conditioners in official buildings for the first time. Artificial cooling was necessary, they decided, because summertime temperatures in some southern Arctic villages have climbed into the 80s in recent years.

Inuit families in the region never used to need to shop in grocery stores, either. But the Arctic seas that always stayed frozen well into the summer have started breaking open much earlier, cutting off hunters from the seasonal caribou herds on which their families depend for sustenance.

And experienced Inuit hunters, as comfortable reading ice conditions as professional golfers are reading greens, had seldom fallen through the ice and drowned. But this year in Alaska, more than a dozen vanished into the sea.

...Wayne Davidson, the resident meteorologist in Resolute Bay for 20 years, says monthly temperatures throughout the year are 5 to 11 degrees higher than recent historical averages. For example, Davidson said, the average daily temperature last March was minus 13.4 degrees Fahrenheit, compared with an average of minus 24.2 degrees from 1947 to 1991.

...The signs of warming in the Arctic are not merely anecdotal. This month, NASA climate experts reported with alarm that for the last two years, Arctic sea ice has been melting in summer and winter at rates far higher than anything seen before.

Summer sea ice coverage in 2005 was the smallest recorded in a century and was not much larger this year, the NASA researchers said, and winter coverage in 2005 and 2006 was 6 percent smaller than the average over the last 26 years.

The recession of ice coverage in the winter is especially alarming, experts said, because it suggests the fundamental climatic engine that creates Arctic ice may be impaired.

..."The basic question of global warming is no longer a subject of dispute in the scientific literature," said Naomi Oreskes, a professor of the history of science at the University of California, San Diego, who reviewed 928 scientific papers about climate change published between 1993 and 2003 and found none challenging evidence of human contributions to global warming.

"The discussion has moved on to how quickly will things change in the future, the rate of ice melting and differing climate models," Oreskes said. "There's almost nobody left anymore who doesn't accept that global warming is real."

...SIGNS OF ARCTIC CLIMATE CHANGE

Ice-covered areas of the Arctic seas have been declining at the highest rate in a century of recorded observations.

Mosquitoes were sighted in Resolute Bay last year for the first time.

Experienced Inuit hunters are falling through the ice along routes they once traversed with ease.

Polar bears are hungrier and venturing more frequently into Inuit villages.

Air conditioners are being imported to Canadian Arctic territory of Nunavik.

Why the Twins Don't Deserve It

This one should probably have been entitled why Twins fans don't deserve it.

AP:

The small crowd of 18,108 at the Metrodome cheered when Chicago's game was final, saving more screaming for the real celebration about 90 minutes later.

Wait, wait, wait! Your team is having one of the all-time great second halves of the season, and only a handful more than 18,000 make it out to the ballpark on the night they clinch a playoff birth? Twins fans, you just don't deserve this. And you didn't deserve it in 2002, 2003 or 2004 either. You've made four trips to the playoffs in the past five years. It is the end of the season and you're fighting for the division championship. Show up! Put some butts in the seats, and then we'll talk. Until then you don't deserve it.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Avast ye readers, take heed. This here September 19th be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrr, me knows this be late notice but it still gives me mates on the western coast plenty of time to set sail and talk like a scallywag.

And lest ye not know the first thing about pirating, here be some tips me hearties:

Learn to talk like a pirate



Know how to answer the phone



Get dating tips from a pirate



Me hopes yer day be hearty and your tide be high.

Lazy Saturday Morning News Roundup

The Cost of Legacy Technology

AP:

CANTON, Ohio - A widow rented a rotary dial telephone for 42 years, paying what her family calculates as more than $14,000 for a now outdated phone.

Art for Thought's Sake

Reuters:

LOS ANGELES - A live Asian elephant, painted in pink and gold, stands in a makeshift living room.

Giant cockroaches swarm over copies of Paris Hilton's pop CD. A dummy angel wearing a gas mask and a white parachute flaps in the blue skies.

Even in free-wheeling Los Angeles, they'd never seen anything quite like this.

Graffiti artist and prankster Banksy opened his first Los Angeles show on Friday in an obscure warehouse in industrial Downtown, bringing his subversive humour and anti-capitalist message to a city better known for wealth and self-obsession.

"Barely Legal," a free three-day event billed as a "vandalized warehouse extravaganza," opened with the excitement and puzzlement that has come to be the hallmark of the elusive "guerrilla artist."

...On one wall, a stencil art picture shows bush hunters in loincloths raising their spears at empty supermarket shopping carts. On another, a masked street anarchist with a thrown back arm prepares to hurl -- a bunch of flowers.

But the placid pink elephant takes pride of place. Tai, 38, looms large in a room decked out with a sofa, a television, rugs on the floor and a man and woman sitting reading obliviously on the couch. It is titled "Home Sweet Home."

Will This Be Included in the Tourism Guides?

AP:

VIENNA, Austria - Organizers of a campaign trying to clear Vienna's streets of dog droppings are urging residents to record how many droppings they see in the space of five minutes and report the figure as part of an impromptu census.

A group that wants the droppings cleaned up said it would compile the figures and present them to city officials on Monday as part of its stepped-up effort to pressure the Austrian capital to deal with the problem.

...the information provided by residents would help determine what parts of Vienna are most soiled by dogs and provide an overview of just how many droppings are out there on any given day.

It's Not Like It's Jon Voight's Car

Reuters:

NEW YORK - Warren Buffett's car is attracting some early buying interest, but so far isn't exactly flying out of its virtual showroom.

The charity auction for the billionaire investor and philanthropist's 2001 Lincoln Town Car on eBay Inc.'s Web site opened Tuesday at 6 p.m. EDT (11 p.m. British time) with a starting bid of $25,000 (13,300 pounds).

By 5 p.m. Wednesday, a bid of $27,500 by "nnoerper" was the highest of nine bids, topping the next highest bid by $100. The high bidder was not immediately available for comment.

...The Signature series Town Car has a light gold exterior and 14,000 miles on the clock. That model in outstanding condition might sell for close to $13,000 in a private sale in Omaha, according to Edmunds.com, but a Girls Inc. spokeswoman said Buffett's Lincoln has been appraised at more than $18,000.

...He will throw in the Lincoln's "THRIFTY" licence plate. To sweeten the deal, Buffett has agreed to chauffeur the winning bidder from Omaha's airport when it's time to pick up the car.

The auction ends on September 22.

And if you act now you'll get the floor mats, scented air freshener and rear view mirror dice at no extra charge!

Best Values Can Be Found in the Best Division in Baseball

SI.com has issued their Fan Value Index 2006 -- an analysis of what ballparks provide fans with the best overall experience for their dollar, as judged by the fans themselves.

The survey looked at:

• Average ticket price
• Average cost of concessions/souvenirs
• Accessibility
• Amenities
• Atmosphere
• Neighborhood
• Team

The top five team/ballpark experiences as ranked by the fans are:

1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Angel Stadium)
2) Colorado Rockies (Coors Field)
3) Pittsburgh Pirates (PNC Park)
4) Milwaukee Brewers (Miller Park)
5) Texas Rangers (Ameriquest Field)

The five worst team/ballpark experiences are:

26) Los Angeles Dodgers (Dodger Stadium)
27) Florida Marlins (Dolphin Stadium)
28) Boston Red Sox (Fenway Park)
29) New York Mets (Shea Stadium)
30) Washington Nationals (RFK Stadium)

And, for those who can only recognize baseball team names if they are deified by ESPN, other notables include:

19) New York Yankees (Yankee Stadium)
24) Chicago Cubs (Wrigley Field)

What is most interesting about this list is when you look at it on a division-by-division basis you find that the best fan value can be found in the best division in baseball, the American League Central.

Here is the proof:

For comparison purposes, I grouped the rankings by division, and then averaged the score for all of the teams in that division. This yielded the following results (lower score is better -- remember, these are rankings):

AL Central: 8.00
NL Central: 11.83
AL West: 12.25
NL West: 15.8
AL East: 21.40
NL East: 23.80

Based upon these figures, one can't help but conclude that the fans attending the Tigers/Twins/White Sox games making up the AL wild card chase are enjoying perhaps the best wild card value, ever.

Live Blogging Wisconsin's Primary

With seven percent of the precincts reporting Spauling is ready to project Herb Kohl as the winner of the Democratic U.S. Senate primary.

Squirrels Continue Assault on Human Civilization

Just when you think it's safe to go outside again, the squirrels strike back.

Reuters:

A squirrel scampered into the bicycle wheel of an unlucky Finnish opera singer, causing him to fall, knock himself out and break his nose just ahead of the world premiere of a new opera.

...The singer ended up concussed and in a local hospital, rather than at his rehearsals for the Finnish opera Kaarmeen hetki (Hour of the Serpent), which opens on September 15.

...The squirrel died in the accident.

Spaulding was among the first to report on the alarming number of guerrilla-style squirrel attacks launched at homo sapien targets. This latest, suicide-style attack is a startling development and marks a change in their tactics.

Just remember: we don't know where, we don't know when, but squirrels will attack and we have to be prepared. Refrain from stockpiling nuts and remain indoors. And please note, it is no longer believed that putting duct tape around your windows will deter a squirrel attack.

The Department of Homeland Security did not increase the national threat level in response to this foreign attack. We remain at yellow (elevated).

Is It Me, Or Is It Getting Hot on This Planet?

FINALLY, a way to get people (mostly men) to think about global warming...

AP:

SYDNEY - A saloon-style striptease at an Australian government-sponsored conference on global warming left some scientists and government officials hot and bothered.

The show was cut short and organizers issued an apology after some delegates at the Australia and New Zealand Climate Forum's dinner in Canberra walked out during what was intended as a lighthearted break from the weighty business of rising temperatures.

U.S. Open (the tennis one)

Could the U.S. (Tennis) Open be played at any worse a time during the summer? The tournament always kicks off during Labor Day weekend, meaning that by the time it gets to the point where the one guy you know is playing another guy whom also know of, you're back at work or school. This thing will creep along during the week, only to reappear on most of our radar screens on Saturday or Sunday (and that is probably only if it is raining outside). I'm not sure if anything can be done about this, but it just doesn't seem like this is an ideal arrangement for growing the game.

Site Update: Extreme Mortman

Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! is pleased to announce the addition of Extreme Mortman to the links sidebar.

For the uninitiated, Extreme Mortman is a very cool, highly decorated political blog. From the site:

In addition to editing the daily on-line political briefing, Mortman wrote the regular column “Extreme Mortman,” which drew a cultish Internet following of political junkies looking for his original political and media insight and dry humor. He later worked for MSNBC, where he produced “Hardball with Chris Matthews” during the 2002 and 2004 election cycles and wrote a regular column for the MSNBC.com web site. Mortman has also written political comedy and has performed stand-up comedy at such venues as the DC Improv.

The Extreme Mortman blog now makes the sidebar because Howard Mortman himself was kind enough to post a comment on Spaulding in response to my complaint that this somewhat cool, not-at-all decorated blog has not showed up in any of the Blogs the Famous Media Reads blog entries. (Before I continue, let me clarify that Blogs the Famous Media Reads will remain banned from the links column until Spaulding is given its due, despite my acclaim for its Extreme Mortman parent site).

Given my commenter's background, would now be a bad time to point out that I'm a politically-saavy and experienced communications/PR professional who is open to new job opportunities?

Yep, put my resume in a pile with all the other West Wing watching, Economist reading, sports following, pop culture absorbing, electoral map shaders.

If only Blogger Beta had an "add resume" function...

For Those of You Scoring At Home, That's 5

Tiger Woods continues to roll. In the past five tournaments he's entered, he's five-for-five.

NY Times:

[Tiger's mechanics are coming together] So much so that Woods carded his 20th round in the 60’s in his past 24, good for a tournament score of 16-under-par 268. Beginning with his triumph at the British Open on July 23, golfers at various points in their careers have stood in Woods’s midst, only to be humbled.

The five consecutive victories have run up Woods' victory tally to seven this year...and he's only entered 14 events.

Think about that for a second.

Nobody hits .500 for the season in baseball. In basketball Michael Jordan never shot better than .539 for the year (1990-91) -- and that counts layups.

What Tiger is doing is absolutely amazing. And he's not getting enough credit for how good he is.

Sure he's got the Nike endorsement, Buick deal and scores of other Tiger-powered advertisements, but even that is not enough.

Tiger is dominating the game in a manner that even his most ardent supporters never would have imagined. And we are all lucky to get to watch.

I remember being glued to the CBS telecast as Tiger marched his way to victory at Augusta in 1997. Inspired by someone I saw as a member of my generation, I headed out to the driving range after that first time since my junior golf days. That return to the golf course gave me a hobby after an inability to hit the curveball ended my baseball career, and has yielded countless rounds and cherished time with my father and grandfather. As far as I'm concerned that is another accomplishment -- another victory -- that doesn't end up anywhere in Tiger's career statisitcs and I know I'm not the only one who experienced this.

So for all the guys (and girls) who will run to the driving range to see if they can learn how to hit a "stinger," attempt to dribble a golf ball on the face of their wedge, and show up to their next tee time clad in a red polo shirt, thank you Tiger. We can't wait to see what you do next.

The Crocodile Hunter

Thanks for the education and entertainment, Steve.

Snubbed!

Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! would like to express its extreme disappointment that it has not made any of the listings on the Blogs the Famous Media Reads blog, a listing of what mainstream press "celebrities" are reading in the blogosphere.

This is unexplainable.

Spaulding is the on the cutting edge of the issues that are shaping our world and it would seem that the news media who attempt to cover those events would want to read Spaulding to see what the Spaulding, Get Your Foot Off the Boat! demographic is thinking.

Look at it this way: within the last 30 days Spaulding has chronicled topics such Tiger Woods' continued dominance, global warming, renegade squirrels, and Toyota profits.

How can this blog not be your homepage, reporters?

In protest of this obvious affront, Spaulding will not list Blogs the Famous Media Read in its links sidebar until this oversight is addressed.

C'mon. How many more hits does the Daily Kos need?

Growing Older

Sign that you're not as young as you used to be: white athletic socks no longer make up 98 percent of your sock drawer. In fact, they're down to representing only five to 10 percent of your socks.